Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Singing Poplar

I have a confession to make. Zenmom sends her child to a Catholic School.

It's the best decision her Dad and I ever made, for a lot of reasons. First, uniforms are the best thing that could ever happen to the mother of a girl in terms of quality of life, (shallow of me, I know.) And yes, the academics are rigorous: National Honor Society is a good thing I guess. Still, what value most about my daughter's school is the way kindness is expected and pretty consistently modeled by the teachers and staff. The kids really seem to get it. From all appearances and despite endless grumbling about homework, they seem pretty happy for anguished young teens. Recently I questioned my daughter about leaving her ipod on the bus during a field trip. She said "Mom, no one would ever steal my ipod. Things don't get stolen at my school." Ahhh... I didn't know that.

Today she is off on another field trip, this one a religious retreat. She responded to my enthusiasm with a shrug and "Boring." "Really, how?" "I don't like to have to talk about God or pray according to a schedule." (How shocking. She doesn't like to clean her room or practice piano on any kind of regular basis never mind schedule either, but I didn't say that.)

Funny because I remember taking her to Thich Nhat Hanh's retreat at Stonehill College in 2002. She didn't have much initial enthusiasm for that either but by the last day she was hiking her little 9 year old self across the campus at 530 am to take the children's equivalent of the 5 Mindfulness Tranings, the 2 Promises, bowing to the floor to the great big bell and receiving the dharma name, Singing Poplar of the Heart.

As she approaches 13, she is a little more private about her spiritual practices and the conversations tend to be short. She doesn't join me in my evening meditation time as she used to and inviting the bell to ring, well, I guess that's passe. So I was secretly delighted when she had to write an essay for english class that illustrated a lesson that had been learned. She wrote about that first retreat and how she had dreaded going, prejudging the whole thing based on photographs of solemn monks and nuns she had seen. But she concluded:

"They were the most amazing people....completely devoted to their self-chosen spiritual path. I would've thought that someone with no checkbook, no cell phone, no fax, and no hair, would be the most miserable person in the world, but in fact they are the most joyous people i have ever been able to spend time with. I learned many lessons from them, how to stay peaceful in the present moment, that a lot of money and things aren't necessary to be happy, that there are many paths to God, and that you shouldn't judge a book by its cover or a nun by her robes"

Ahhh....more I didn't know.

84,000 dharma doors....what a relief! I'm sure she'll find a couple without my having to know a thing.

Zenmom
Authentic Kindness of the Heart

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Flowers


My dharma teacher (hereafter known as DT) admonishes "Read a little, practice a lot". I recognize the wisdom of that advice as I am someone who can easily think that the more books I read the better prepared I am. For what I'm not sure but I think it has to do with my ever present wish to get a firm hold on the essentially slippery nature of life. Sort of brings to mind the image of Don Quixote tilting at windmills, doesn't it? Get a grip indeed...

I spent a few years being treated for infertility and by the time I was actually pregnant I knew I needed to avoid information overload and resisted buying an entire shelf of pregnancy books. I decided not to even read too far ahead. Cosmic joke....my daughter was 6 weeks premature and I wasn't "ready", hadn't even finished childbirth classes! As a result, my husband and I dealt with the labor and delivery as it came and to this day, I cannot remember a more mindful, present event...the best ever. I can recall telling one of my friends that, even though I was a few years into meditation, until then I hadn't had the experience of single-mindedness, of concentration. What a gift. Sometimes life gives you one, not to mention a beautiful baby.

Right now though I'm wandering in the realm of difficult relationships and want to travel in a way I haven't before, a path that doesn't increase suffering for myself or anyone else. I am grateful for my DT's advice and her teaching regarding transforming suffering and healing ourselves. Kim talked so clearly in her blog the other day about her awareness of the ball of stress she feels in her stomach and it reminded me of my teachers advice to be mindful of what it is we are carrying around. She quotes Thay as saying, "What we don't heal, we transmit", a truth which, I imagine every parent has experienced.

Her teaching for me on our very first session described a practice called healing the past in the present moment, but I think it could be subtitled "healing the present too". The idea is to invite difficult feelings in rather than pushing them away, holding them like a mother holds her crying baby. With mindful breathing and attention the feeling is calmed and released. I practiced for many years stopping at this point, taking my unwanted feelings to meditation and sitting with them until eventually they just dissipated. But it seems there is more we can do which is called deep listening: sitting with the feeling, looking at its nature, paying attention to the memories that surface, and sending compassion to oneself at that time or place. Sometimes the causes of suffering will come clearly into view and we can see the beliefs that are at the root of these feelings. In this way our relationship with the feeling can be understood and transformed, the way I have heard Thay say that garbage becomes compost in which flowers grow.

If it's any consolation my DT concedes that it's rigorous practice because our habit energy is so ingrained but my experience has been that the gentleness of the practice, the way it is approached with complete acceptance and compassion for oneself makes it a whole lot easier to begin.

So I guess that my blog can become what I had intended...a chronicle of the path, my path at least, aspiring to be Zenmom, aspiring to the Order of Interbeing, aspiring to transform suffering in myself and being able to share the practice with others. I am grateful for this particular dharma door and I am off to practice now.

If I use my imagination I can almost smell the flowers.

Zenmom
Authentic Kindness of the Heart

Friday, February 17, 2006

My dear little heart

I'd meant this blog to be a chronicle of the journey of aspiration to Thich Nhat Hanh's Order of Interbeing, a nice little description of the Fourteen Mindfulness Trainings, the teachings of my dharma teacher, and my attempts at integrating all this into my life. Turns out this blog's edges aren't so neatly defined and it's definitely not nearly as esoteric as my ego would like.

Well, I can't make it up, can I?

So charging on with all the inelegance that my life and the inner workings of my mind entail...today I am pondering right action. Yesterday I subjected myself to a barrage of cardiac tests designed to determine just how much stress my heart could take in light of my recent ER visit for an arrythmia. With some kind of metal electro-shock-like device on my head with an arm hanging down in front of my nose to hold a snorkel-like mouthpiece in my mouth, a clothespin pinching my nostrils shut, all kinds of wires on my chest and a blood pressure cuff taped to my arm, I was expected to ride a bike! If only I had thought to bring a friend with a video camera I'm sure we could be millionaires right now or at least stars of "Americas Funniest Home Videos".

The good news is that there was nothing that could be found wrong with my heart. The other good news is that in addition to taking medication, I need to look at stress, diet, and exercise in my life which could be categorized as high, fair to poor, and none. (Did you get that feigned cheerfulness though?)

These three things and the inconsistencies between my beliefs and my behavior around them have been presenting themselves to me for consideration at pretty regular intevals over the last several years and with increasing urgency. I perked up my ears yesterday when the cardiologist casually referred to my heart as "irritable". Irritable! Enter the image of a cranky heart shouting out it's complaints like Archie Bunker chewing out Meathead....how un-zenlike.

So I guess it's my time to make friends with all this dissonance, thank my heart for all it's done and been for me, and vow to make amends. The middle path, here we go again.

I have no answers right now only a lot of vague thoughts and ideas about.....the quality of my relationships and what I want in my life, my crazy all night work schedule, how to make a commitment to go completely vegetarian while still cooking for a child allergic to beans and soy, how to eat in moderation and to promote health, and how to fit in the right kind and amount of exercise not just for short term but as a lifestyle change. It's been more my style to jump into a crash diet and join a gym class in which I have no hope of keeping up... but we know where that leads.

So today, I am sitting with my heart, inviting it to sit and have a cup of tea with me. I will ask "My dear little heart, I am here for you as you have been here for me. Tell me what it is you need now." I'm guessing that I will get some answers.

Zenmom
Authentic Kindness of the Heart

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

No time to lose


I recently purchased Pema Chodron's book "No Time to Lose". The very sight of it on my kitchen counter is making me nervous. During my affirmation phase, one of my favorite affirmations was "I have all the time I need." The problem with affirmations was that I always felt as though I was trying to fool myself, something along the lines of setting the clock ten minutes ahead, so it had an almost opposite effect. I just may have missed the point of the whole affirmation thing, but I digress.

Of course, I haven't actually opened the book to see what Pema has to offer by way of explanation for the title but I have the idea that it will be similar to the comments made in the Eternal Peace blog the other day in which the author ponders the instructions to practice with the single-mindedness and urgency "like your head was on fire". Now that's an image. Similarly, I have a framed copy of the Great Mountain Zen Center's evening gatha hanging in my kitchen which admonishes:

Let me respectfully remind you,
Life and death are of supreme importance.
Time swiftly passes by and opportunity is lost.
Each of us should strive to awaken.
Awaken! Take heed! Do not squander your lives....

So I am left to consider what it will mean for me to be diligent, faithful to my practice, but not anxiously overconcerned with lost opportunity or sqandering my life! The middle path, it's really a challenge. Especially when I think too much.

When I don't think so much but present myself for whatever is before me with an open heart it becomes a lot easier. Space opens up where there didn't seem to be any before. I listen to my daughter. I refrain from judging my husband's every comment. I am patient in traffic. I appreciate snow falling on my hatless head. I stop walking by the plant that's needed watering for a week and water it. My two block walk from the parking garage to the hospital is an opportunity for walking meditation. As I enter my workplace I dedicate the merit, the power any positive actions might generate, toward relieving the suffering of all beings. Using the practice of tonglen, any strong feeling or painful situation I encounter in my day can be the basis for connecting with the suffering of others and the whole situation can begin to feel completely different.

This practice, it's just so good for me. Thanks to the Eternal Peace blogger for giving me the opportunity to check my head for flames!

Zenmom
Authentic Kindness of the Heart

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Just today

Today is just a day. How odd that I should find it comforting to note! There's no drama to report and no big challenges so far....I thought I had nothing to write about but then I thought again.

I am going about my daily activities, driving to school, stopping by my parents house for coffee, talking to my sister on the phone, organizing bills, contemplating laundry. There's no charge, no excitement. Interestingly, my recent experience with my rapid heart rhythm has made me much more aware of what gets my heart beating more rapidly. The other night at work during a stressful exchange with a physician I could feel a little adrenaline surge. Immediately I thought, "This isn't good for me" and I paid attention to my breathing, lowered and softened my voice, and unclenched my fist. The most amazing thing was that the result of making a conscious effort to relax my physical body, the irritation I was feeling seemed to lessen quite a bit. I guess I have a new way to understand the concept of "letting go" and another lesson about taking care of myself.

Anyway, these are the kinds of days I love.

These are the kinds of days I feel like I really might make it as a Buddhist! Driving slowly, enjoying the banter from the back seat of the car, appreciating a cup of tea, sitting in meditation in a sunny room, walking to the mailbox and waving the mail person, sorting through clothes to be washed, catching up on emails...Pretty much being present for all these mundane things feels like a small miracle. In these moments I feel connected to Spirit, the Ultimate, that ineffable creative energy that runs through my life just waiting for me to be able to change my posture, to turn towards it, always there.

I can't say how lucky I feel to have found a practice that teaches me how to find peace in stressful times but also in everyday moments. I recall Blake's poem that talks about finding the world in a grain of sand and heaven in a wildflower. I thought I'd understood the meaning of the poem but not until practicing mindfulness did I really feel that experience for myself. So I am grateful for these times when conditions are sufficient and I am tuned in enough to appreciate the lovliness all around me.

Sorting laudry? Who'd have thunk it? I'm not telling anyone else but if you haven't tried it, you just have to. It's a wonderful alchemy... finding the divine in the mundane, like turning coal to diamonds or lead to gold. And it doesn't take much to start. Just the intention to be present for whatever you experience and the ability to come back when you've drifted off, usually by paying attention to the breath. You'll see.

Zenmom
Authentic Kindness of the Heart

Friday, February 03, 2006

Bodhisattvas


"My joy is like Spring, so warm it makes flowers bloom all over the Earth. My pain is like a river of tears, so vast it fills the four oceans." These are the opening lines of the song of Thich Nhat Hanh's poem "Call Me By My True Names". Today it seems to speak directly to me.

In the midst of so much that is just plain hard there is so much beauty and kindness to be found too. I close my eyes in meditation and am beset with an onslaught of panic at all the "could happens" in my life, fear of future discomfort and pain for myself and those I love, and shame that I am just not living up to my ideals of practicing loving kindness and compassion, not even close. Keep breathing...

I am aware, as my dharma teacher reminds, that it is impossible to practice compassion for others until we can hold the same for ourselves. Why is that such a challenge? Habit energy of many years would be the obvious answer. So I sit with that and breathe in for all beings who are experiencing the same sense of failure and breath out the sense that we are nonetheless worthy and good-enough.

I subscribe to a daily email lojong teaching. In today's lesson Alan Wallace says "When we start to belittle ourselves for our own faults, recognize that they are simply afflictions obscuring our own essential purity and our capacity for full awakening. These temporary distortions are not who we are, and we do have the means for overcoming them. This is what Buddhadharma is all about: the dispelling of distortions and obscurations." Back to the 4 Noble Truths....there is suffering and there is a way out of suffering and I can get there. Ok, I'm in...

And besides the relief that there is hope for transformation, I feel deeply grateful that the scales upon which samsara is seated seems to be just about perfectly counterbalanced by what I might once have called grace but now call the energy of the many bodhisattvas.....the people who show up to love me. One definition of bodhisattvas attributed to Longchempa is "active servants of peace..." I am blessed, and humbled, by the presence of so many in my life.

Among my bodhisattvas, most wouldn't relate to the name....my daughter wrapping her arm around my waist whispering sweet words, her best friend and his mom who raced to the hospital emergency room to make sure we were all alright, my mom calling to offer to pick up a tea kettle because I'd mentioned I need one, extended phone time with my spiritual director and dharma teacher, the headmaster of my daughters school phoning to say he was available to help in any way he could, flowers from the school staff and faculty, flowers from my co-workers, a check in the mail from a friend whose husband is not working saying "Chinese are not subtle in the ways they show love...they send cash!", a gift card to Trader Joes from a co-worker with the message "Dinner's on me", and the many many phone calls and emails of concern and encouragement and just listening, allowing me to tell the stories until they are really told. I take refuge...

Indeed, servants of peace.

See you out there.

Zenmom
Authentic Kindness of the Heart

Thursday, February 02, 2006

May all beings be at peace

Well, I have taken to meditating directly in front of the Peace is Every Step calligraphy. It reminds me of when I was in the midst of my difficult pregnancy and I needed to use a simple guided meditation to get any sense of quieting the monkey mind. Lately I need to have my teacher Thay's energy out in front, to help me get centered, to keep my balance. I have to say, it feels a little precarious. But this is my practice, my path, the way that makes sense to me.

At the risk of having this turn into some kind of blog-o-drama, I will relate the sparse details of my day last Sunday after awakening with a migraine headache and ending with a trip to the emergency room complete with cardioversion of a dangerously fast heart rthythm. Now along with medicine comes the scheduling of a battery of tests and appointments and all the attendant thoughts and feelings. I am no stranger to high tech medical care: I work in an ICU but I am strangely unfamiliar with feeling personally vulnerable to illness.

It's amazing, isn't it, that faced with a reminder of my own ultimate impermanence, what I feel is surprised, even when I take care of young patients facing life-threatening illness every day. So it's interesting to see what proceeds from this little mind-stopping event, to observe what thoughts, what feelings float in and out of my awareness. Another teacher Pema Chodron quotes, "Don't even think for a moment that you're not going to die" but apparently it's a challenge for me to consider it seriously for even a moment. So I am thinking deeply about how to open my heart (no pun intended) to this experience that seems to have been strangely timed in a series of difficult events.

So begin again, begin again. Sit and breathe. Notice, notice, feel, name, observe, and breathe, breathe, breathe. Flash on impermanence, spaciousness, ultimate goodness and be aware that countless sentient beings are thinking the same thoughts, are trying to make sense of similar experiences, are feeling the same feelings. Hold a sense of connection for a moment and breathe out a sense of safety, of gentleness, of the sacredness of life.

"May all beings be at peace...."

Zenmom
Authentic Kindness of the Heart